A Friend Indeed...

Today I was thinking about friendship and what it means to be a friend. And what I concluded is that a true friend simply allows you to BE...Be who you ARE, faults and all...They don't judge you, or try to change you into a mirror image or version of themselves. And they don't run away at the first sign of trouble. Nor do they consider you merely a convenience. Or a possible source of something they might need from time to time.

When you confide and trust in them they store up your confidences in a vault of golden silence, never allowing anyone to enter the inner sanctum of that sacred place. And when there are no words left to be shared, they simply hold your hand and glance with you in the same direction.

Just as you depend on the ground to not cave in when you stand upon it, so should you be able to count on a friend to be the legs upon which you stand, never forgetting that friendship is a two way street and that to have a friend you must also be one. And if it means that the number of true friends you have, being equal to the time you invest in  true friendship is quite small, then so be it. Because honestly, it is far better to have one friend with those qualities than ten of the watered down version.

A Wrinkle in Time?

It had been several years since the last of my Grandparents had passed away, what some would call “the end of an era” and I was beginning to understand all too well just what that meant. Life was getting difficult for me. And I began to appreciate just how strong and courageous my Grandparents must have been to survive as long as they did and still be sane and kindhearted. I wondered if my generation would be up to the challenge.

 I was in the throes of Fibromyalgia and had a chronically ill child to boot. There were days I could hardly get out of bed, I was in so much pain, let alone tend to my kids and umpteenth other responsibilities yet somehow, I managed to keep going. But something was very wrong. I was getting chest pain and I was afraid to fall asleep at night for fear that I wouldn’t wake up. My heart would race out of control at times and everything would seem to go black. And at others, when I was awake I was so dizzy, I couldn’t stand up straight. Driving was out of the question. And Doctors had no idea what was happening to me.

Eventually a good friend recommended an unconventional and brilliant Doctor, who would not take anything at face value and through him I got an answer. And I learned that if I had not gotten to the bottom of the problem when I did, my heart might have one day just stopped beating. The recovery, however, was quite protracted and took years. But recover I did.

One night, early on,  during that period of recovery I fell asleep and had a strange dream...

I entered a night club. Shadows and shades of red surrounded me. A disco ball flashed sparkling flecks of light--little tiny diamonds-- that swirled around the dance floor in the middle of the room. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw familiar faces…Friends and relatives, that I hadn’t seen in years. Perry Como music playing on the jukebox, brought me back to christenings and birthday parties I had attended as child. I could almost hear the crinoline crinkle of my party dresses from long ago, as I curtsied to show my Grandmas how pretty I looked in my new patent leather Mary Janes and lace anklets.

Then I turned and saw a u-shaped bar off to the left, tended by a man who looked like he had stepped out of the TV show “Cheers”. Two older women sat there chatting with the man and as I approached I realized that they were my Grandmothers…“Big Grandma and Little Grandma” as we called them, as one was quite a bit taller than the other. My heart swelled with love and joy for the two women who had loved me unconditionally and had filled in the blanks of my childhood as only Grandparents could do.

“Grandma!”  I said to the taller one as I wrapped my arms around her. “I’ve really missed you.” She had been the last of my Grandparents to pass on and so I’d gotten to know her the best of all of them.

She wore a black taffeta dress and white pearls, simple but elegant, as she’d always been in life. Her legs were crossed at the ankles and she smoked a Pall Mall cigarette…Her trademark…

“Hello dear!” She exclaimed. “How nice to see you again” I glanced over her shoulder to see my cousin Mike walk by. He had died at 48 of cancer. We had played together as children.

“Where are we?”  I asked her, confused as to what occasion I was attending. But Big Grandma simply smiled.

A gentle voice behind me piped up. “Debra?”

I turned around to view the tiny woman who stood before me. Her hair was thin and very gray and she wore spectacles…Her voice was soft and melodious. I could still recall her operatic rendition of the song “Fascination” that she had sung to me so many years ago. It was the only time that I had ever heard her not stammer. In life she’d had a nervous condition and she’d stuttered furiously at times.

I folded her into my arms and held on tight. I hadn’t seen her since I was seventeen. Tears welled up in my eyes and for a moment I was overwhelmed.

“It’s so good to see you again Grandma. It’s been so long….” She held me tightly, stroking my hair as she’d done so many times when I was a child. There were so many things I’d wanted to ask her over the years since she’d passed on.

Eventually I composed myself and took a seat between the two icons of my youth. Big Grandma ordered me a rum and coca cola. “You look like you could use drink.”  She smiled that mischievous smile of hers. She’d always been the rebel of my Dad’s family. “Now tell us what’s been going on in your life.”

As I relayed all that had happened to me since I’d last spoken to either of them I glanced around the room. All of a sudden something stirred from deep with within, like an eddy in a pond that draws up the murkiness of the water’s bed. My gut lurched at the realization that everyone in the room had died at one time or another. I was the only living soul in the club.

“What is this place?” I felt a rising panic.

Little Grandma took my hand. “Don’t be afraid.”  She cooed…”We’ve all missed you so much. It’s so good to see you again. How is your Mother?” My mother had been such a big help to my Grandma over the years. And vice versa.  A rush of love mingled with confusion consumed me. I wondered if I would remain as close to my own kids as time went on. A longing to be with them overwhelmed me.

“I’ve got to go!” I declared as I stood then turned to leave.

Big Grandma placed her hand on my arm. “I wish you could stay.”  She sighed. I looked from one to the other. Then I peered around the room. There was so much love here. And so many memories. I felt a peace wash over me that I had never known before. But a sadness enveloped me as I thought of my children.

“I can’t…” I murmured so softly they both had to lean in to hear me. “It’s not time yet.”

The two women simply gazed at me and smiled in understanding, though I sensed their disappointment.  “We know…” They said in unison…I poured over their faces one last time  and then I felt myself pulled away like a time traveler rushing past the speed of light. 

Suddenly I woke up….

I thought about that dream for a long time afterward. Had I died in my sleep for a slight instant or, were the two women that I had loved so much simply giving me a glimpse into the other side, to show me that no matter what happened in the future, it would be alright? To this day I’m not really sure. But I am comforted in the knowledge that they are at peace. And they are watching over me--my two Guardian Angels-- And that someday when I am ready I will see them again at a lovely family reunion.