A CHANGE OF HEART

“You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away; make you something different in an instant. It happened to me.”  ~ George Monroe

A CHANGE OF HEART

Today as I stood back and looked at my yet to be decorated Christmas tree, I realized that something was different. But just what had changed I couldn’t pinpoint. So instead, I proceeded to pull out the umpteenth bins of ornaments that had been tucked away in storage and then did the usual inspection for missing hooks and broken balls.

Now I am not a “theme” person per se when it comes to decorating the tree but I suppose if you saw the need, you could categorize my tree as the “Trip Down Memory Lane.”  For the past 20 years I have been giving my children ornaments on each Christmas that have represented something important going on in their lives at that particular time. I have also been collecting ones from wherever I have visited or vacationed.

So as I hung up each ornament, I was assailed with twenty some odd years of memories and ghosts of Christmases past. Voices of my children seemed to echo through the branches, voices of two toddlers then tweens then teens.

“Can I help Mama?”

“Uhoh, I dropped one!”

“Can we make cookies after this?”

“Awww! I remember this! I played baseball then!”

“This was the year I graduated high school!”

And then came the images of family vacations and girls’ weekends and all the rich and wonderful experiences of a good deal of my adulthood. The memories swirled around in my mind, like an 8mm movie…Oscars to follow….   

Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different. When I was done I sat down and studied my handywork. Again I asked, “Just what was it?” Well for one, it was one week before Christmas and I honestly could not think of a single thing that I wanted. I seemed to neither have the glee nor the desire for anything. Or at least anything material. And that was a far cry from my younger years. 

That made me think of a recent visit I’d had with my parents.

Now we all have apprehensions about “going home” and I am no different. Parents welcome you with cookies, pies and cakes forgetting that you are diabetic and 30 pounds overweight. They forget that you are at the half century mark and speak to you as if you’re still a half pint. They tell you stories of your childhood and confuse you with your brothers or sisters. Or they repeat the same story several times. And they can assume you still think exactly as they do.

There was a time when it drove me crazy and I dreaded the visits. I hated being treated like the proverbial child and not having my opinion heard and in the end I would always leave feeling frustrated and disappointed. But this year, I looked forward to seeing them. And I actually had a good time!

 Suddenly I had an epiphany.

As I looked around I realized that nothing had changed except me. I was different. It had been a long time coming up until three years ago.  And then came some of the worst times I’d ever experienced all at once.  I believe now that I must have had some kind of drastic karmic course correction. And through those times I swore to never let the emotional pain I was suffering pervert me or my values and what I believed in. But as I reflected on the recent past I realized that I had indeed…changed….

Now was it a bad thing?  I had to think about that…And all the disappointments of the past few years...But, in the end, I realized that I had developed an inner strength that I had never imagined possible and the wisdom to never allow anyone to ever again manipulate me or make me question my worth. I had also learned what was important to me and what was worth fighting for. And most importantly, I'd learned to be….ME!!!!  Not a persona built on the expectations of others, or a mirror of a friend, lover or family member.

That last thought was eye-opening. How many of us change who we are to accommodate others so we can be liked? Or hide how we feel to keep peace or out of fear of being criticized by people we deem important in our lives?

Change can be scary. We want things to be better yet we fear the unknown. We timidly take a step out of our comfort zone and then find ourselves a bit lost, a bit fragile. Then at the first sign of trouble or a complaint from friends or family that we are not “ourselves” we retreat into that cloud of illusion and expectation.

But I think there comes a point when you can no longer pretend to be what you are not—when nothing could be worse than remaining where you are. And that is the tipping point—the point at which you venture out of your zone and you begin to take baby steps toward something you hope will be better. It is not always an easy journey. There can be many fits and starts.  And sometimes change can be forced upon you, even quite abruptly at times.

What I learned ultimately, though, is that change is inevitable. What is most important is how you handle and adapt to it…how you learn from it…how you grow!  And when I think of the present and just how much how I’ve grown both spiritually and emotionally, I’m no longer afraid of what is to come. Because I am finally who I was meant to be. And that is the greatest gift of all.